i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
ugly people sure do ruin things
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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