Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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