Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
