Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
