I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
