Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Randomize
