I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
