The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
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