girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
