new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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