I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
