My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
