I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
