It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
