Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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