He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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