My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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