they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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