you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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