I wish my penis had an off switch
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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