You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
