It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
