went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
