dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
