All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
