She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
