She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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