I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
