Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
