But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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