Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
