just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
The adults are the big ones right?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
