my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
the day after is always just damage control
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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