just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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