White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
