is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I supernannyed him into submission
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
