The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
