i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
