"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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