If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
