I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
