If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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