This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
