can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Floor bacon is actually really good
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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