even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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