Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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