If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
