Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
