two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
