his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
