I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
