Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
