is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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