The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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